Here’s my story: In 2002, I was dating this very sweet man with whom I had almost nothing in common. We met when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. He took care of me and was always gentle and kind.He seemed to start “making love” to me right away; you know, “making love” rather than “having sex.” Then he started saying “I love you” during sex. I was startled, but sort of went with it. One time, we had sex, during which he said “I love you.” We finished, and I said, for the first time, “I love you.” He didn’t say anything back. I felt a little uneasy, so I said, “You know, my girlfriends have always said, ‘Don’t believe a guy who says ‘I love you’ if he only says it during sex.'” He said, coldly, “Maybe you better listen to your friends.” Chilled me right to the bone. I got up and started putting on my clothes to leave. He pulled me back and said, “Are you just going to leave me like that?” He was silent for a little bit and then said, “When I say it, I mean it. It’s just when we’re not having sex, I don’t really feel it.” The relationship unraveled pretty quickly from there. He was divorced and had custody of a son, and we really didn’t have much in common, other than we were tall, lean, like to play Rummy and pool, were really nice, and had really great sex together.It was a little painful, because I did love him, but it was a very mild love compared to how I felt in a later relationship. We never discussed it much, but I think it was all for the best. He may have loved me (mildly), but we didn’t have enough in common to sustain a serious relationship, and I think we both knew that.ON THE OTHER HAND, I had a previous boyfriend (1996) who said “I love you” in the heat of the moment, too. He told his roommate about it, who asked me privately, “Did you hear that he said ‘I love you?'” I said “yes.” I didn’t say “I love you” back or talk to my boyfriend about it. Later (not much later), my boyfriend started saying it when we were *not* having sex. His feelings for me were quite strong throughout the relationship. I started saying it back even though I wasn’t sure if I loved him or not. (FYI, we broke up a year or so later — my idea.)My hypothesis is that when men’s feelings for you are growing, they feel the strongest when they are being very intimate and vulnerable with you, i.e., during sex. (I think the same goes for women — don’t your feelings for *them* feel stronger during sex sometimes, too?). Sometimes, but not always, that love grows so that finally it meets the threshold for being said outside of sex. When I questioned that one boyfriend, I think I make him assess the relationship more than he wanted to, and doing so scared him. It put too much pressure on him. And when he thought about it, he realized that we probably couldn’t sustain the relationship with so little in common. He was getting in “over his head.”My advice: Don’t say anything back and see what happens. Don’t respond in kind unless he says it outside of sex.This stuff is always seems so complicated and messy! I’m having slightly different but related problems in my current relationship. Good luck! I hope you find true love....
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